When nothing seems right

I've now reached a point where I'm demotivated to go to work, I don't wanna do anything..I just wanna snuggle in bed. And now I wish so badly that I can just cry my eyes out so that this sorrow inside of me would just escape my body. I'm not trying to get into self-pity mode. But after a whole weekend to yourself, no one to go out with, no one to talk to.. I am just beyond words. This past weekend, all I wanted to do was watch this new movie called 'What to Expect When You're Expecting'.. the whole weekend I've been scrolling the names in my phone list up and down, trying to find a friend to catch that movie together.. By end of Sunday, there was still no one, no one who would take up that offer. How pathetic can my life be?

For once, all I ever wanted was a guy who'd call me before I go to bed and wish me good nite, who'd be the first person to ring me in the morning and say, "Morning Sunshine", who'd call me during lunch asking what am I having, and would wait for me at the lobby of the tower I work at, ready to take me out for decent dinner. He doesn't have to be handsome, he doesn't have to be rich, he doesn't have to be a CEO of a company. All I need is a nice decent guy who shares the same intellectual wavelength, who has a big heart and who sees me for who I am and adore me the way I am.. Why is it so hard for me? :(

I'm tired of looking, I'm tired of trying, I'm tired of giving another man opportunity. Let him come to me..I'm just  TIRED. I can't possibly be throwing my life away because he is nowhere to be found yet, can I? But what do I do when I'm sick and tired of waking up, go to work, go back home routine that I'm leading now. I'm just sooo sick of this. It's not that I'm not being ungrateful..yes, I know the "work" part of my life is indeed interesting, I get to travel, I get to negotiate with counter-parties from all over the work.. But seriously, that's the most interesting there is in my life. Whilst friends my age are busy with their second child, me..same old me..is still waiting, and waiting and waiting for THE GUY. I seriously can't take this anymore :(

Emptiness

I think it's that time again where I need a place to let out all the sadness that I've been holding up in this chest. Enough with the strong face, enough of pretending that everything is all fine. It's pathetic to know that you're very very sad inside. And it's super tiring not to let everyone knows that.

I'm sad simply because I feel e.m.p.t.y. I may have a great job, wonderful friends, but at the end of the day, I go back to the four walls of my room. No companion to share my day with, no one to accompany me for a decent dinner, no one to snuggle to in bed. After a tiring day at work, I long to have someone to just ask me, "How was your day?". Not much to ask for right?

People around me, some friends even, think I'm all about career. Hello, I keep myself busy with work BECAUSE I don't want to go back to an empty home feeling more alone than ever. It's much easier going back when you're super exhausted and simply hit the bed. No time to think of this heart is feeling. How lonely it is. How it is aching so bad. Please stop judging me.

I've reached to the point where I have trouble sleeping, heart feeling numb, lost all my self-esteem when it comes to men. It's funny though. I negotiate contracts worth millions and billions for a living and yet when it comes to men, I am like a scrawny lil 12 year-old having major self-esteem issue.

I just don't understand when people around me keep saying that guys are intimidated by me. If only you know that my self-confidence is NIL when it comes to a relationship, then perhaps you should they realize there's nothing to be afraid of. I'm just another human being who needs a companion, to love and to be loved.

Where art thou Mr. Companion? Where art thou?:(